We’re back after a refreshing few days off and ready to humiliate someone new. Today’s victim is the ringleader of a derelict group of humans at Liquid Imagination. He is well known to many who will read this post, so introductions are hardly in order. But we’ll do it anyway, because this is our damn website and you’re not the boss of us!

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know.

Incredibly tiny obligatory headshot

John Arthur Miller is known to most as simply, JAM. Some says it’s because he rocks, but don’t believe the hype. This is a calm, calculated man with intentions of taking over the world. He has said so many times in public, and he lets slip just one of his diabolical plans below…

2-MD: Your book “2012: Kin Bin Tin Nah” is not actually about the Mayan thing, is it? Tell the truth, it’s really just the verbatim recounting of a dream you had after you accidentally ingested your dog’s canine pain killers. Isn’t it?

JAM: Actually, it was a dream that came to me after digesting YOUR dog. BURP! Pardon me.

2-MD: Winter Olympics are coming up soon – who’s your favorite to win the ice dancing gold?

JAM: The most skilled skater, meaning, the one in the short dress. Er… just to be clear, she should be a lady.

2-MD: In a near-future world where the exclamation “Yippee!” has been outlawed because its utterance kills kittens and causes cervical cancer, what new word will you use to show your happiness, both genuine and forced?

JAM: I refuse to use the word ‘YIPPEE’ because it ends in ‘pee.’ I use ‘YIPPIE’ because it ends in ‘pie.’ Which would you rather have in YOUR mouth while saying it?

To answer the question: YOWSAS! (thank you Brandon Rucker and John C. Mannone) 

2-MD: If there was a party over here and a party over there, and you decided to wave your hands in the air and shake your derriere, what three words should be articulated when you’re gettin’ busy?

JAM: No 3 words. Instead, 3 sentences: 1) Help me I’ve fallen and can’t get up; 2) you can’t touch this; 3) Da’ party’s over here, da’ party’s over here!  (2-MD: Oh, sorry. The correct answer is, of course, Whoomp! There it is. Kind of a trick questions since it’s actually four words, but you can hash that out with the fellas from Tag Team. If they’re not too busy in the recording studio, that is. We’re guessing they’re not.)

2-MD: Let’s play Sophie’s Choice: a 3-book deal from Simon & Schuster, or the life of one A.J. Brown. You don’t get both. One will be shredded into to tiny, pulpy bits. Choose…

JAM: I would choose AJ Brown, simply because I will not relinquish my right to chop him up into tiny bits and feed him into the Chicago water supply, thus replicating his genius. His evil will infect millions–a million AJ Brown’s eating inside the brains of Chicagoans, possessing them utterly. Next, with an army of Underwriters (AJ’s nickname), we march on New York City! YEE-HAW!! (I meant YOWSAS!)

We had a feeling he’d pick that one. John Miller has answered these questions in a timely and ridiculous fashion, which is all we ask for here on the Drill. Tradtion (JAM: TYPO! I thought you were a journalist! Now YOU’RE going into the Chicago water supply along with AJ!) holds that we now link to something of John’s for you to buy, for which he will likely receive mere pennies in compensation.