For most folks, the 2-Minute Drill is a chance to step out of their cozy worlds and take a trip into Weirdo Town. But when it comes to an author who calls himself a bizarro, well, not so much. Enter Jeff Burk, a dread-locked purveyor of the weird whose first novel was about every character William Shatner ever played coming to life. Has the Drill met its match?
The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.
Jeff Burk is also the editor of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction and one of the top names in the growing world of bizarro fiction (go here for an explanation of bizarro). The aforementioned SHATNERQUAKE was Burk’s first book, and he just released his second, SUPER GIANT MONSTER TIME!, which is a unique take on those Choose Your Own Adventure books you read when you were a kid (and if you didn’t, then you were probably out playing baseball or getting laid or picking on the kids who were reading those books, which makes you a dick, so there!)
We tried our best to hang with Mr. Burk, but we did not fare so well. We do challenge him to a game of hoops though, and we think we can take his scrawny ass, but only if we cheat. Here, you decide who comes out on top of this test of random stupidity. Let the Drilling begin.
2-MD: Love the idea behind SHATNERQUAKE – has William Shatner himself read the book, and do you think he would be up for doing the movie version? Would it help if we threatened him?
JB: I envision an adaptation of SHATNERQUAKE with an all Shatner-impersonator cast. If threatening the real Shat will help it come about, I’m all for it. (2-MD: Based on the new sitcom he has coming out, he appears to be game for just about anything.)
2-MD: In the spirit of SUPER GIANT MONSTER TIME! this is a Choose Your Own Answer question: How totally awesome is black raspberry jam? (If you answer “Totally fuckin’ awesome!” then proceed to the next question… If you answer “Is that a new Boone’s Farm flavor?” then proceed directly to rehab…)
JB: Ummm. . . I don’t really eat jam. Bacon blows both away.
2-MD: What do your dreadlocks smell like right now? (CAREFUL! – If you answer “black raspberry jam” then the Internets might explode.)
JB: Bacon and marijuana.
2-MD: We challenge you to a game of pickup basketball, but only if we get to be ‘shirts’ because we put on a some weight this winter and are self-conscious about our jiggly little man-titties. Do you accept this challenge? Huh? Do ya?
JB: Fuck yeah. Then you can see my super badass Star Trek tattoo. Your terror in my geeky/manly physique is just one part of my psychological warfare. (2-MD: The challenge has been accepted, the gauntlet throw down! We will be at BizarroCon this year in Oct. and we will meet you on a Portland court of your choosing. You will NOT live long and prosper when I pop my Jedi Fall Away Jumper in your eye!)
2-MD: Pop quiz, hotshot, who uttered this line: “Of all things, a ‘god’ needs compassion.”
JB: Oh come on – Captain Kirk from “Where No Man Has Gone Before,” the second pilot of the original series. DO NOT TEST ME!!!! (2-MD: OK, so we understimated you on that one…)
Alright, that’s just about enough of this nonsense. Jeff, we thank you for allowing us to waste your time and we look forward to having our minds fuck-fested by SUPER GIANT MONSTER TIME! We’d also love to shill for some rich corporation at this time, but only in a way that appears to be in protest of said corporation, so if you wouldn’t mind doing the honors here:
“Fuck the (JB: RIAA, MPAA, and the FCC), they’re a bunch of soulless whores and parasites!”
(2-MD: Yeah, right on! We hate acronyms, too!)