We could say this is a man who needs no introduction, but if we did, you wouldn’t have a clue who the hell we’re talking about. So, we’d like to introduce to you a man who normally needs no introduction, except for instances like these, when in fact, he does need an introduction … Mr. Kevin Shamel. He made the mistake of agreeing to a 2-Minute Drill. Poor sap.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Kevin Shamel is a bizarro author whose first book came out last year as part of the Eraserhead Press New Bizarro Author Series. He also recently completed the first “Bizarro Boot Camp” – a 10-day experience that spawned his latest creation, a novel about… well we don’t know for sure yet. But that won’t stop us from speculating. This is the Internet, afterall. Read on to learn more…

2-MD: Your name (SHAY-MULL) sounds very Amish. If you really were Amish, would you be Randy-Quaid-in-KINGPIN-Amish, or Harrison-Ford-in-WITNESS-Amish? Explain your response, and please note: there is no right answer here.

Not Kevin Shamel, but pretty dang close.

KS: I would be full-on Randy Quaid Amish. Or like those kids from that reality show where they leave their Amish community and go out partying in the rest of the world to see if they really want to be Amish. I think that’s the coolest part about their religion. That and the beds they make. Those things NEVER break. No matter what. Or how many.

2-MD: We read with great interest your accounting of the 10-day Bizarro Boot Camp experience, during which you apparently wrote a novel (?). The big question we have is, at what point during this marathon experience did your clothes begin to smell like cheese? And at what point did your clothes actually begin to develop cheese?

KS: No questions about it. I wrote 35,000 words in four days. It will be a novel by the second draft. As for my attire, I actually thought ahead and brought enough clothes for to change them every day. But then I spilled cheese on my bag. So the answer is: one hour. (2-MD: Good travel tip for everyone here – keep your cheese in a separate Ziplock bag, just in case of a spill. Rookie mistake, Kev. We shall now tut-tut you.)

2-MD: Follow up question: what does your Mohawk smell like right now?

KS: I’m not sure what my mohawk smells like. I shaved it off a couple months ago. I’m sure it either smells of garbage or Ginger Barbie if those scoundrels at the salon are still involved in the underground hair market. But good news… After Tuesday the ‘hawk will be back. And it will smell of roses. Roses and money. (2-MD: Rockin’ the Nohawk… workin’ it… alright…)

There's a Broke Back Bizarro joke here, but we'll let you come up with the punch line. Enter it in the comments below if you like. Best line will get a prize. Maybe.

2-MD: Several of your stories have themes involving nature and animals. If you were to marry an animal, what species would it be, and where would you go for your honeymoon?

KS: I would marry a vixen. Oh, wait, I did. I would go to St. Lucia for my honeymoon. And get wasted on the beach for ten days. Oh wait, I did. (2-MD: Dang it, NO emoticons allowed on the Drill! Didn’t you read the rulez?!?! What is this world coming to? OK, we’ll let this one slide, but no more.)

2-MD: Speaking of animals, you first book ROTTEN LITTLE ANIMALS ( <– read our review and buy this book!) was about talking, cussing, nasty (dare we say, rotten?) little animals. What will be the theme/focus/milieu of your latest book? (As a suggestion, we’ve got two words for you: lottsa boobs)

KS: You actually nailed it, Steve. There are lotsa boobs in my next book. Big, luscious, super-boobs. And there will be drawings of them. Yes. My next book will have illustrated super-boobs. I’m not lying. I think super-boobs are the best way to end anything. Thanks, Steve!

LOTTSA BOOBS: Shamel (center, carrot top) celebrates his graduation and near-completion of his next novel with the crew from Eraserhead Press. For safety and liability reasons, a real sword was not used in this photo.

This is the end, beautiful friends, of another successfully ridiculous Drill. Much thanks to Kevin for joining us, and we wish him much success with his newest book and his pending acceptance into the Amish community. One last piece of advice though – I don’t think the Mohawk will fly out there in Amish country. Just a hunch.