THE DRILL IS BACK! It’s been awhile, but we have returned with a super-special ALL-CAPS edition. We’re hitting all the authors in the New Bizarro Author Series from this year, beginning with Kirk Jones.
The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.
Kirk Jones is the author of Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals, a story of a man made from his own tears who is trained to teach carnival inanimals – couches, desks, chairs – to copulate. That is, to get it on. (Read a review here). It is a bizarro story through and through, and makes us dream of the plush cushions of the couches of our misspent youth. We delve into that subject here, as well as manscaping, carnies and an answer to the debate of who is awesomer. Read on and learn…
2-MD: So, do you bother to put the plastic covers on your furniture whenever company comes over, or do you like to watch their faces as they wonder what bodily fluids they’re currently sitting in?
KJ: No plastic covers on the furniture for me. The couch was originally an ex convict’s before we got our hands on it, and there’s an unsightly stain on one corner from where his dog used to sleep. Despite the content of my book, people are generally more concerned with sitting on my parents’ furniture than mine. My dad has lived on the couch for so long that it has bed sores, and it is riddled with cigarette burns. Dad is protected by a mesh of chest and back hair, but that couch . . . that poor couch.
2-MD: Mmmm… bedsores… Well, now that we’re on the subject of man hair (and what good interview doesn’t eventually lead to the subject of man hair?) the world needs to know, Kirk Jones, do you manscape? And part 2 of that question, an old favorite here on the Drill, what does your beard smell like right now?
KJ: I do indeed! I use a thin strip of wax between my eyebrows lately and picked up a kick-ass electric razor this summer with multiple setting so I can manscape up a storm. By the time I’m done it looks like the toilet seat and sink have grown beards.
As for part two . . . I volunteer that information to my wife every day, but she doesn’t appreciate it much. The hair below my lower lip probably smells like cheese. I must drool in my sleep. No other interesting smells. I’d say couch labia, but that really doesn’t have a smell so . . .
2-MD: CHANGE OF PACE! Now is der time on der Drill ven ve dance! Please, Kirk Jones, tell us your most accomplished dance move and then demonstrate it with a single word.
KJ: Holy shit! I guess I could do a mean two step or something . . . wee! (2-MD: Really?, That’s all you got? Bristol Palin did better than that…)
2-MD: Your book is about a bizarro Carnival where chairs hump and the audience applauds with vomit. In real life, carnivals see their share of disturbing sexual activity and vomit. If you got a job at a real-life carnival, what job would that be? (And by if, we mean when…)
KJ: I’d like to collect money for the freak shows. The prospect of being a drunken ride operator sounds fun too. We met a few of those at the local fair this summer. They smell like beer and cigarettes and always let the rides go too long because they’re dazed and drunk.
2-MD: Just so you know, this interview is being forwarded to the Anti-Carnie Defamation League. Expect a letter from the ACDL’s lawyers any day now… FINAL QUESTION – Can you please list your favorite bizarro authors in order of height, from tallest to shortest?
KJ: Shit, I can’t remember how tall they are. I like Jeff Burk, Kevin Donihe, Garrett Cook, Bradley Sands, Carlton Mellick III. I don’t think there are any taller than him. I’ve enjoyed all of the NBAS books I’ve read so far this year as well, but arranging them by height is too difficult, and we only have that Magnificent 7 picture to go by . . . (2-MD: Actually, you got them backwards. The only person shorter than Jeff Burk is… Well, no one is shorter than Jeff Burk.)
2-MD: That picture is Magnificent, isn’t it? BONUS SUPER ABSOLUTE FINAL ADDITIONAL EXTRA CREDIT QUESTION!!!! – Please finish this sentence: Steve Lowe is way awesomer than Caris O’Malley because he ____________ !
KJ: … is sturdier, but NEVER takes bottom.
2-MD: Excellent, thank you Kirk Jones. We practice catch-and-release with all the bizarros we hook here (mainly because they taste AWFUL), so we return you now to the stream so that you may continue to birth strange new books into existence. Just watch out for carnival workers and bears. And carnival bears. Especially them.