2-Minute Drill: Eric Hendrixson

The 2-Minute Drill, which is now officially one year old, has become an Internet outpost for the ridickerous and (some say) stupid. Stupid is appropriate for some folks, but not for everyone. Like today’s guest – we shall try to have a serious discussion with a serious sort of man. In person, author Eric Hendrixson comes off as a measured, intelligent and thoughtful man armed with a very dry, but very sharp, wit and delivery. In his fiction, though, Mr Hendrixson writes fantastical (and fantastic) stories about sentient fruit and mafioso tomatoes who love Michael Jackson. In other words, just the kind of person we love here on the Drill.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers (give or take) from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Buy Bucket on Amazon

Eric Hendrixson’s first book, Bucket of Face, was released by Eraserhead Press as part of the New Bizarro Author Series. It is our sincere opinion that not only is Bucket one of the best offerings from the NBAS so far, it’s one of the best Bizarro books out there. (Read this review…) Fruit come to life and blow each other away. A man makes love to a kiwi. A hit-tomato named Roma goes all Smooth-Criminal in a memorable scene that involves a large doughnut mixer, a severed nose, and a death-by-steaming. This is but a small taste of the goodness that comes in this Bucket. Here’s some more from the man himself…

2-MD: What is Roma’s favorite Michael Jackson song, and why?

EH: At the beginning of the book, it would have to be “Smooth Criminal,” but it is “You Are Not Alone” at the end. Roma models himself after the smooth criminal image, and it’s a great song to torture and murder to. He also has a soft spot for “Someone in the Dark,” just for its obscurity. “Someone in the Dark is the first MJ song I ever heard, on an ET audio book narrated by Michael Jackson.

2-MD: If fruits such as a kiwi are easily bruised and can’t heal, how does a man go about having intercourse with one? Do kiwi have vaginas? (And if yes, doesn’t that juice sting!?)

EH: Fruits use flowers to have sex. Human sex and fruit sex is different. It’s one of many obstacles in an inter-kingdom romance. However, a fruit is just one big uterus. Beyond that, I’m not comfortable describing Sarah’s privates. It seems rude.

2-MD: In Bucket, you have fruit eating other fruit, as long as it’s not one of their own. An orange would not eat an orange, for example. But what about types of fruit, like the citrus family. Would a grapefruit eat an orange? (Please include mathematics in part of your answer)

EH: Fruits eat other fruits the same way humans eat other mammals. However, some fruits are too similar to each other. A grapefruit could eat an orange the same way a human might eat a small ape, but most would not be comfortable with it. I think it’s a function of social taboos about not eating things that look too much like us. A citrus would not eat another citrus about 98 percent of the time, but many of these fruits had difficult childhoods, so you have to watch out for the 2 percent.

Not Eric Hendrixson, but pretty damn close.

2-MD: The doughnut plays a fairly important role in connecting the characters and the plot together, yet it is not treated with the same respect for its existence as sentient fruit. If you were to come back to life as a doughnut, what kind of doughnut would you be, and what kind of doughnuts would you eat?

EH: If I were reincarnated as a doughnut, I’d be an éclair. First, I’ve always wanted to be tall. Second, following the principle above, I’d have fewer reservations against eating round doughnuts. The only doughnut I wouldn’t eat would be the Boston cream. The Boston cream is to the éclair as the Honda Civic is to the Accord.

2-MD: As a bearded man, you probably get this question often, and since it’s a tradition here on the Drill, please tell us: What does you beard smell like right now? (Include any food particles currently ensnared therein.) 

EH: One of the great benefits of the beard is the saved morning prep time. Instead of washing your face and then your hair, you just wash your whole head in one step. In the morning, my beard smells like drugstore brand shampoo. After a few minutes, the smell goes away, since the mustache is so close to the nose. I can’t smell my beard right now, but if it were to smell like my last meal, it would smell like a Chap’s pit beef sandwich with onions and horseradish. However, I’m a pretty clean eater, so my beard probably just smells like the blood of my enemies, as usual.

 2-MD: Super Dooper Awesome Bonus Question!!! – Which Michael Jackson album is spinning on your hi-fi at this very moment?

 EH: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uum3w9EGo8&feature=player_embedded

2-Minute Drill: Caris O’Malley

What would you do if, one morning, you awoke naked with an egg between your legs? Let me rephrase that… What would you do if that happened, again? (We hate it when it happens.) Caris O’Malley wondered just that, and then he did what thousands of others have only attempted to do. He spent the better part of a November writing a novel about it. And when professional editors with actual talent read this manuscript and honed it down to the lean piece of fiction it is today, a star was born.

That star was, of course, Kevin Donihe. But in an act of selflessness rarely witnessed in today’s entertainment world, Donihe took no credit for repairing that damaged mess of a story about a man and his egg. Instead, he allowed the name O’Malley to appear across the front cover. The rest, they say, is history. We don’t know why they continue to say that, but they do. We hate they for it. And as we’re wont to do here on the 2-Minute Drill, today we shall try to expose the true Caris O’Malley, in all his flaws and failings. Hopefully, the Internet doesn’t run out of room.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Click the Egg, buy the Egg.

The Drill returns with the third installment of our interviews with New Bizarro Author Series authors. Mr. O’Malley’s fantastic little book called The Egg Said Nothing (click here for our review of it) is the story of Manny, a shut-in who wakes up one morning to discover he has laid an egg. Then he falls in love, battles future versions of himself, and… well, we’ll leave the rest for you to discover when you read the book. For now, let’s just pester young Caris with our stupidity.

2-MD: Hypothetically speaking, if the Egg actually did say something (and I’m betting dollars to donuts it did), what would It say?

CO’M: When you’re the only egg in a roomful of assholes, the only thing you want to do is leave. I imagine the egg would scream and plead to be taken somewhere else. It’d be kind of like the dragon eggs in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, where it would just be annoying and hurt everyone’s ears. Kind of like you, Steve. (2-MD: Starting with a shot across the bow, eh? Looks like we’ll have to step it up a notch…)

2-MD: Hypodermically speaking, what are the best (worst?) fluids that have ever entered your body intravenously?

CO’M: Well, shit. I got bit by a ferret once. Does that count? Yes, I’d say ferret spit. It was much better than all of that dirty heroin I did as a youngster.

2-MD: Hypochondriacally speaking, have you always been such a germophobe, or was it just when you were around us? (We didn’t appreciate your request to “double-bag it” by the way.)

CO’M: In my home environment, I wallow in filth and share drinks with the homeless. But, for the first time in my life, the bizarro crowd made me start to think of the dangers inherent in such behavior. Y’all seem like the kind of folks a body could catch somethin’ from.

2-MD: Hypoallergenically speaking, if we actually laid an Egg from betwixt out loinses, what sorts of infections might we be infectioned with? And part deux of this query, would the Sacred Thor help cleanse us, or simply exacerbate our conundrum?

CO’M: I think sepsis could be a serious issue. Since gentlemen aren’t really built with the equipment to lay eggs, we’ve got to use what the Good Lord gave us- our assholes. It seems to me that expelling something as significant as an egg would come with a certain amount of tearing and would, by the fault of the Lord, expose us to a tremendous amount of bacteria. It would, I think, be virtually impossible to keep the area properly cleaned without round-the-clock care and, honestly, who has time for that? There is hope, though. I feel confident that the Thor, in its infinite wisdom, would help in two significant ways.

1) Stretching out the area in question for more comfortable egg laying.
2) Acting as a cork of sorts to keep harmful bacteria at bay until we’re ready to deal with it.

Not the Sacred Thor.

2-MD: Enough with this hypononsense! How about a real question: How many times did your main character, Manny, kill himself in “The Egg Said Nothing”?

CO’M: Six, I think. Of course, there’s that whole time loop to contend with, so he’s probably killing himself right now. On a related note, there is a point where, as a writer, you grow to hate your characters, their stupid motivations, and their whiny inner dialogues. The only solution I have found to deal with that is to kill the character, resurrect him, then kill him again. In my original draft, there was actually a chapter where I, Caris “The Shit” O’Malley, made a guest appearance and killed Manny no less than fifteen times. (2-MD: Author, slay thy self. No really, we’ve had several requests from loyal readers that you do this.)

2-MD: Congratulations, Caris “Is Shit” O’Malley, with that answer, you have unlocked the SUPER FANTASTIC EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION!!! Here it is: On a scale of Red to Purple, what was the name of the clown that scarred you in this terrible way so, so long ago. (Please show your work, or you’ll only get half credit.)

CO’M: Like everyone else on the planet, it was Pennywise from Stephen King’s It. That clown scared the shit out of me when I was a child. Just the idea of losing my paper boat AND getting killed to death in the depths of a sewer was just too much for me. While writing Clownhunter, I had a picture of that bastard on my computer desktop to remind me of what I was dealing with.

So that’s magenta, I think. (2-MD: Wrong! The answer we were looking for was 19. They must not teach librarians how to divide.)

2-Minute Drill: James Steele

There has to be a first time for everything, right? Think about the first time you learned about sex, or told a dirty joke, or maybe the first time you fell in love. (Maybe, that all happened at once, like it did for us.) Or the first time you heard of horse dildos. Oh, you haven’t heard of those before? Don’t worry, because now you have. And you have James Steele to thank for that, courtesy of the 2-Minute Drill.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Right, so horse dildos. They are apparently just what they sound like. But they can be so much more. Like a magical weapon that will save mankind. This you will learn when you read James Steele’s book FELIX AND THE SACRED THOR. And who is James Steele? Let’s try to find out right now.

Man with a toaster head - NOT a horse dildo

2-MD: This interview simply can’t go forward until you answer this question first – horse dildo? We didn’t even know these things existed until we learned about your book. How did you come to the point where you thought, ‘A horse dildo will be a perfect centerpiece for my next story!’?

JS: What?? You didn’t know they existed until I came along?? And I thought I’d been living under a rock my whole life… Well, ok, there was a time when I was ignorant, too, but then I found out through various web links that these things exist. I think they’re funny. Among people who know of them, the Thor is the butt of a dozen jokes. It’s a byword for “ridiculously large” (even though there are way bigger ones out there). Then I actually met a guy who owns one. He said it’s not a very good toy, so that got me thinking if it’s unusable for sex, it must have some other use. I figured the only logical reason to own a piece of gel that big would be to use it as a weapon! (2-MD: Try as we might, we can’t really argue with that logic.)

2-MD: We had the pleasure of meeting you at BizarroCon in Portland this year. While everyone else arrived with luggage and bags and such, you strolled off the plane with a small, square shoulder bag that could not have held much at all (especially not a horse dildo). So since you’re clearly a superhero who rips away his clothing to reveal his superhero costume underneath, how do you feel about the disappearance of phone booths due to the rise of celluar telephone technology? And are you comfortable now with disrobing in front of people, or do you slink off to a public restroom somewhere?

James Steele - also NOT a horse dildo.

JS: I was raised as an Army brat, so I learned to pack light. Everything I needed for the trip was in that bag, and I even had room left over for a bunch of books to take home! I don’t keep my sacred weapon in my bag; I always keep that on my person in case I need to whip it out in an emergency. I miss phone booths. It’s such an inconvenience to carry a bulky cell phone everywhere I go. I hope someone wises up and realizes people don’t want to be burdened with these hefty devices, bugged by ringing and texting day and night. We were much better off as a society when we *couldn’t* be reached 24/7. But I ain’t modest anymore; I’ll disrobe anywhere I please.

2-MD: Good God, that was a long-winded question. Let’s make this one quick: Paper or plastic? (be sure to explain your answer or you will lose points)

JS: Neither! Disposable shopping bags are wasteful, so i’ve been using the same two reusable canvas bags for three years. I have to. Captain Planet will kick my ass if I don’t.

2-MD: What’s your favorite horse? And do you ride? (how’s that for a loaded question??)

JS: I don’t have a favorite, but I like animals of all kinds. I can’t ride a horse, but it’s on my to-do list. Right up there with swimming, piano and interdimensional travel.

2-MD: What are the top three equine sexual encounters in history? (please note that all Internet links provided will NOT be clicked on…)

JS: Am I really allowed to answer that? I mean, I’m trying to establish myself as an intelligent, professional writer and I can’t go around answering questions about illegal encounters with– Ok, the cops stopped listening. For numbers three and two, all you gotta do is type “Mister Hands” into any search engine. The internet is full of life-changing information, isn’t it? The number one encounter occurs in my book! Everyone else’s sexual encounter has the same, predictable, happy ending. Mine results in the retrieval of a sacred weapon! Didn’t see that comin’ did ya? (2-MD: We’re seriously considering calling you ‘Mister Hands’ from now on…)

2-MD: James ‘Mister Hands’ Steele, you are a hard man to crack. (Get it? Hard? Steele? Oh, man… we should be getting paid for this stuff) Thank you for enduring the firey forge of the Drill. If you have any last words, please use them in a way that disparagaes the rest of the New Bizarro Author Series.

JS: I’m trying to build a reputation as professional author. I want people to take me seriously. It’s really hard to do that with a book like this! I mean, why couldn’t one of my fantasy books have been my first published?? Why not one of my serious stories that has something profound to say about life, the universe and everything?!
But the more I think about it, this fits in with my goal in life. I want to be the Mike Oldfield of authors: not known for just one kind of story, but known for having done everything. (2-MD: Well, he’s got “write a story about a magical horse dildo” crossed off the done-everything list already…) That appeals to me most. So fine, I’ll start off with a wacko novel. It’s all in good fun!

2-Minute Drill: Kirk Jones

THE DRILL IS BACK! It’s been awhile, but we have returned with a super-special ALL-CAPS edition. We’re hitting all the authors in the New Bizarro Author Series from this year, beginning with Kirk Jones.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Kirk Jones is the author of Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals, a story of a man made from his own tears who is trained to teach carnival inanimals – couches, desks, chairs – to copulate. That is, to get it on. (Read a review here). It is a bizarro story through and through, and makes us dream of the plush cushions of the couches of our misspent youth. We delve into that subject here, as well as manscaping, carnies and an answer to the debate of who is awesomer. Read on and learn…

Kirk Jones, pornographic POV

2-MD: So, do you bother to put the plastic covers on your furniture whenever company comes over, or do you like to watch their faces as they wonder what bodily fluids they’re currently sitting in?

KJ: No plastic covers on the furniture for me. The couch was originally an ex convict’s before we got our hands on it, and there’s an unsightly stain on one corner from where his dog used to sleep. Despite the content of my book, people are generally more concerned with sitting on my parents’ furniture than mine. My dad has lived on the couch for so long that it has bed sores, and it is riddled with cigarette burns. Dad is protected by a mesh of chest and back hair, but that couch . . . that poor couch.

2-MD: Mmmm… bedsores… Well, now that we’re on the subject of man hair (and what good interview doesn’t eventually lead to the subject of man hair?) the world needs to know, Kirk Jones, do you manscape? And part 2 of that question, an old favorite here on the Drill, what does your beard smell like right now?

KJ: I do indeed! I use a thin strip of wax between my eyebrows lately and picked up a kick-ass electric razor this summer with multiple setting so I can manscape up a storm. By the time I’m done it looks like the toilet seat and sink have grown beards.

As for part two . . . I volunteer that information to my wife every day, but she doesn’t appreciate it much. The hair below my lower lip probably smells like cheese. I must drool in my sleep. No other interesting smells. I’d say couch labia, but that really doesn’t have a smell so . . .

2-MD: CHANGE OF PACE! Now is der time on der Drill ven ve dance! Please, Kirk Jones, tell us your most accomplished dance move and then demonstrate it with a single word.

KJ: Holy shit! I guess I could do a mean two step or something . . . wee!  (2-MD: Really?, That’s all you got? Bristol Palin did better than that…)

2-MD: Your book is about a bizarro Carnival where chairs hump and the audience applauds with vomit. In real life, carnivals see their share of disturbing sexual activity and vomit. If you got a job at a real-life carnival, what job would that be? (And by if, we mean when…)

KJ: I’d like to collect money for the freak shows. The prospect of being a drunken ride operator sounds fun too. We met a few of those at the local fair this summer. They smell like beer and cigarettes and always let the rides go too long because they’re dazed and drunk.

2-MD: Just so you know, this interview is being forwarded to the Anti-Carnie Defamation League. Expect a letter from the ACDL’s lawyers any day now… FINAL QUESTION – Can you please list your favorite bizarro authors in order of height, from tallest to shortest?

KJ: Shit, I can’t remember how tall they are. I like Jeff Burk, Kevin Donihe, Garrett Cook, Bradley Sands, Carlton Mellick III. I don’t think there are any taller than him. I’ve enjoyed all of the NBAS books I’ve read so far this year as well, but arranging them by height is too difficult, and we only have that Magnificent 7 picture to go by . . . (2-MD: Actually, you got them backwards. The only person shorter than Jeff Burk is… Well, no one is shorter than Jeff Burk.)

2-MD: That picture is Magnificent, isn’t it? BONUS SUPER ABSOLUTE FINAL ADDITIONAL EXTRA CREDIT QUESTION!!!! – Please finish this sentence: Steve Lowe is way awesomer than Caris O’Malley because he ____________ !

KJ: … is sturdier, but NEVER takes bottom.

2-MD: Excellent, thank you Kirk Jones. We practice catch-and-release with all the bizarros we hook here (mainly because they taste AWFUL), so we return you now to the stream so that you may continue to birth strange new books into existence. Just watch out for carnival workers and bears. And carnival bears. Especially them.

Kirk Jones - the Yul Brynner of the NBAS

2-Minute Drill: Cameron Pierce

Today’s guest on the Drill, youngster Cameron Pierce, redefines the word weird. His titles include ‘Ass Goblins of Auschwitz‘, the recently released short story collection ‘Lost in Cat Brain Land’, and the upcoming ‘The Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island’. These are facts.

Cameron Pierce also has six toes on his right foot, plays the mouth guitar and turned down a position with Scotland Yard so he could follow his true calling to Portland, Oregon to build miniature ships in bottles. When the miniature-ships-in-bottles bubble burst in the early 2000s, Cameron turned to writing. These are not facts. But it would be really cool if they were. Please read on to learn some more facts that may or may not be entirely factual.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

This is Cameron Pierce. He is 22 years old. He writes about weird things like butt people who drink cider made from fermented children and prisoners who make bicycles and sex dolls out of dead kids. (Reminds us of those Hardy Boys novels we loved so much  in our youth.) Here he is answering stupid questions posed by us. We have warned you ahead of time what is in store. We do not offer refunds. Thank you and enjoy.

2-MD: Do you mind if we call you Whippersnapper? Or would you prefer Young Fella? (Don’t make us pull out Snot-Nosed Punk, because we will. You have been duly warned.)

CP: I’m in my bedroom and the window is open. I just heard my neighbor say, “Shit man, I don’t know if I like it now.” That is how I feel about these names. Not really, though. I don’t mind them.

2-MD: Damn, we should not have started off that way. We always do that. Let’s try again: So tell us whippersnapper, what sort of fugue state does your brain have to be in to write books about Ass Goblins and Pancake Islands in such marathon bursts? And at what point in the process do the hallucinations kick in?

CP: Writing marathons can be helpful for first drafts, but for me, writing is about rewriting and learning to kill yourself again and again. I feel like I become a pathetic human being when I’m really invested in a book. I am no longer alive. I am never alive. With “The Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island,” I sometimes spent hours just learning about the French connotations of one word or something. I carried that book around like a fucking tumor.

Although the first draft of “Ass Goblins of Auschwitz” was written in three days in July 2009, I had been quietly freaking out in my mind about it since November 2008. I was writing other stuff, a lot of other stuff — you have to keep working no matter what — but I felt “Ass Goblins” in my gut every day. I didn’t know what it was for a long time. Finally, I got beyond being scared and pulled it out of myself.

Writing, for me, isn’t about hallucinations. I get enough of those in life. Sometimes writing makes me float off like balloon, but I feel like I would be floating no matter what, and without writing, I would pop. Under heat. Under atmospheric pressure.

Sometimes I feel like a big chunk of my brain is missing. It hasn’t always been missing. I don’t know who stole it or where it went. Putting words together is nice, though, and writing is basically the most spiritual thing I have. It kills me. I wish nobody ever said or wrote anything. I am a Catholic who knows that God is dead. I’m always halfway between a funeral and a pizza party. Don’t ever take anything I say seriously, or else I’ll punch you in the face.

2-MD: Let’s play a game called “If… then…” : If this statement is true: “With six you get egg roll” then (fill in the blank “______” ) is also true.

CP: Now my neighbor said, “I get the crappy jobs.” I want to lean my head out the window and say, “Life is a crappy job. Enjoy.” I feel pretty good today.

CM3's monster burns.

2-MD: How many times a week must you resist the urge to trim Carlton Mellick III’s sideburns with a pair of garden shears?

CP: Garden shears make me nervous. Anyway, the sideburns are a source of comfort. Carlton Mellick will survive the apocalypse. When I hang out with him, I like to think, “Yeah, if there were zombies around right now, we would totally win.” Not that you ‘win’ over zombies, but you know you’ll ‘win’ over them when you’re around Mellick. He’s resourceful and a good planner.

2-MD: Bradley Sands called you a “spineless douchebag” in a recent Drill. Would you care to pull out your white glove of revenge and slap him across the face with it?

CP: I was on the phone with Bradley a few nights ago, while I wandered aimlessly through a grocery store. I don’t even remember what I bought. (2-MD: Way to sock it to him. He’ll be stinging from that one for sure…)

Bonus question… 2-MD: Dude, can I borrow a buck? I’m good for it, I swear. There’s only one Whatchamacallit left in the vending machine and I’ve been craving one of those for like two years.

Bonus answer… CP: No dude. I need to drink that dollar. There’s a cat sitting to me left and it’s totally jacking all my fluids. It went straight from my coffee to my water. I’m dehydrated as fuck.

Crap. I really wanted that candy bar.

2-Minute Drill: Kevin Shamel

We could say this is a man who needs no introduction, but if we did, you wouldn’t have a clue who the hell we’re talking about. So, we’d like to introduce to you a man who normally needs no introduction, except for instances like these, when in fact, he does need an introduction … Mr. Kevin Shamel. He made the mistake of agreeing to a 2-Minute Drill. Poor sap.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Kevin Shamel is a bizarro author whose first book came out last year as part of the Eraserhead Press New Bizarro Author Series. He also recently completed the first “Bizarro Boot Camp” – a 10-day experience that spawned his latest creation, a novel about… well we don’t know for sure yet. But that won’t stop us from speculating. This is the Internet, afterall. Read on to learn more…

2-MD: Your name (SHAY-MULL) sounds very Amish. If you really were Amish, would you be Randy-Quaid-in-KINGPIN-Amish, or Harrison-Ford-in-WITNESS-Amish? Explain your response, and please note: there is no right answer here.

Not Kevin Shamel, but pretty dang close.

KS: I would be full-on Randy Quaid Amish. Or like those kids from that reality show where they leave their Amish community and go out partying in the rest of the world to see if they really want to be Amish. I think that’s the coolest part about their religion. That and the beds they make. Those things NEVER break. No matter what. Or how many.

2-MD: We read with great interest your accounting of the 10-day Bizarro Boot Camp experience, during which you apparently wrote a novel (?). The big question we have is, at what point during this marathon experience did your clothes begin to smell like cheese? And at what point did your clothes actually begin to develop cheese?

KS: No questions about it. I wrote 35,000 words in four days. It will be a novel by the second draft. As for my attire, I actually thought ahead and brought enough clothes for to change them every day. But then I spilled cheese on my bag. So the answer is: one hour. (2-MD: Good travel tip for everyone here – keep your cheese in a separate Ziplock bag, just in case of a spill. Rookie mistake, Kev. We shall now tut-tut you.)

2-MD: Follow up question: what does your Mohawk smell like right now?

KS: I’m not sure what my mohawk smells like. I shaved it off a couple months ago. I’m sure it either smells of garbage or Ginger Barbie if those scoundrels at the salon are still involved in the underground hair market. But good news… After Tuesday the ‘hawk will be back. And it will smell of roses. Roses and money. (2-MD: Rockin’ the Nohawk… workin’ it… alright…)

There's a Broke Back Bizarro joke here, but we'll let you come up with the punch line. Enter it in the comments below if you like. Best line will get a prize. Maybe.

2-MD: Several of your stories have themes involving nature and animals. If you were to marry an animal, what species would it be, and where would you go for your honeymoon?

KS: I would marry a vixen. Oh, wait, I did. I would go to St. Lucia for my honeymoon. And get wasted on the beach for ten days. Oh wait, I did. :) (2-MD: Dang it, NO emoticons allowed on the Drill! Didn’t you read the rulez?!?! What is this world coming to? OK, we’ll let this one slide, but no more.)

2-MD: Speaking of animals, you first book ROTTEN LITTLE ANIMALS ( <– read our review and buy this book!) was about talking, cussing, nasty (dare we say, rotten?) little animals. What will be the theme/focus/milieu of your latest book? (As a suggestion, we’ve got two words for you: lottsa boobs)

KS: You actually nailed it, Steve. There are lotsa boobs in my next book. Big, luscious, super-boobs. And there will be drawings of them. Yes. My next book will have illustrated super-boobs. I’m not lying. I think super-boobs are the best way to end anything. Thanks, Steve!

LOTTSA BOOBS: Shamel (center, carrot top) celebrates his graduation and near-completion of his next novel with the crew from Eraserhead Press. For safety and liability reasons, a real sword was not used in this photo.

This is the end, beautiful friends, of another successfully ridiculous Drill. Much thanks to Kevin for joining us, and we wish him much success with his newest book and his pending acceptance into the Amish community. One last piece of advice though – I don’t think the Mohawk will fly out there in Amish country. Just a hunch.

2-Minute Drill: Bradley Sands

When this world grows dark, when men with pride and honor and integrity are in short supply, there is one to whom we can turn. A shining, heroic beacon in the night, a pillar of strength behind whom we can cower, whose legs we can clutch like frightened children while he fights for our freedom and survival against the wicked forces of tyranny and evil. That man is … not who we’re interviewing today. This guy’s name is Bradley Sands. He’s a writer. So, yeah, that pretty much tells you a lot right there.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Bradley Sands is the author of It Came From Below the Belt, and the recently released collection of bizarro stories, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! He’s also the editor of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. Apparently, he’s never met a ridiculously long-winded title he didn’t love. Time to get our Drill thang on …

2-MD: Bradley, we hate to break this news to you, but it appears that some of your “friends” don’t think very highly of you. Now, brace yourself, because this will come as a shock… Your so-called friends went behind your back and published an anthology called ‘Bradley Sands is a Dick‘. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger here, we’re just trying to be of some help. What do you have to say to those “people” who did this to you?

BS: I am fully aware of my so-called friends’ actions considering I’m the one who published the anthology. I get my best ideas when I’m drunk. Andersen Prunty served as the submissions editor. His first name makes him sound like a dork, which is extremely appropriate. We received about two thousand submissions a week. It’s amazing what desperate, shitty writers will submit to these days. Andersen Prunty, the dork, made a great deal of them cry. Although it had more to do with taking his pants off at the funerals of their loved ones than rejecting their stories.  (2-MD: Ohhhh… so they went in FRONT of your back and published it. Those bastards.)

Bradley Sands, before his face shit out a huge hairball.

2-MD: Your photos online are very misleading. You look to be a clean cut fellow, but we’ve seen recent evidence to the contrary that you have developed quite the birds’ nest hanging from your face. Can you tell us what your beard smells like at this very moment and how many McDonald’s Happy Meal toys you have stashed in there?

BS: My beard smells magnificent, like heartbreak, helplessness, and Selsun Blue shampoo. No Happy Meals in there, but I do have a thermonuclear detonator.

2-MD: Regarding your book, “My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes!”, is this in any way based on your affiliation with the folks from Girls Gone Wild? And in the spirit of GGW, would you be willing to show us your boobs? How about for $20? The ladies out there would love it, we’re just sayin’. Think book promotion dude, c’mon. Don’t be a dick.

BS: I’m not affiliated with Girls Gone Wild, you moron (you really should have done research on me before writing these questions). I’m involved with their competitors, Accountants Gone Bananas. But it’s not like Girls Gone Wild is much competition for us. Watching boobs on TV can only be entertaining for so long. Eventually, it’s as exciting as attending a conference on environmental engineering. But watching accountants experience the throes of psychotic breakdowns never gets boring….And I will show you my boobs if and only if 200 people buy my book as a result of this interview. (2-MD: Pff – research is for weaklings, and … Wait a second… did he just say watching boobs can get boring? Really? Why, we are without words…)

2-MD: Sorry. We shouldn’t have called you a dick. Since we’ll be at BizarroCon together in November, I suggest we challenge the rest of those bastards who were talking shit about you to a tag team arm wrestling contest. And we can even play some Tag Team as our intro music. It’ll be totally sweet and badass.

BS: I arm wrestled (quote) bizarro author (unquote) Cameron Pierce during the first Bizarro Con a couple of years ago. I was about to win, but then he pushed my head into the hard metallic part of a chair. That guy is a spineless douchebag, and he’s publishing a book of mine around September or so. When I sent him the book for consideration, I included a death threat rather than a cover letter. Now what the fuck is your question here? (2-MD: This just in from the Department of Redundancy Department – a douchebag is, by definition, spineless. And what the fuck was your answer here?)

2-MD: OK, serious question: if a normal person runs across a Bizarro out in the wild, what are the best techniques to fend off an attack? The old field manuals all suggest boxing their ears and scolding them like a puppy, but when we tried that with Jordan Krall, it just made him hump our feet.

BS: Suggest they spend more than three days writing a book and they will lose control of their bodily functions. This will incapacitate them, giving you an opportunity to run away.  (2-MD: We are truly in awe of this answer…)

My God, what hath we wrought here? We’re not entirely sure, but it feels like a slice of awesome. It’s been some time since the last Drill, and now we remember why. Bradley Sands, you were a stout competitor in this round of electronic jousting and we thank you for participating. Now, get the fuck outta here.

Dick.