The 2-Minute Drill, which is now officially one year old, has become an Internet outpost for the ridickerous and (some say) stupid. Stupid is appropriate for some folks, but not for everyone. Like today’s guest – we shall try to have a serious discussion with a serious sort of man. In person, author Eric Hendrixson comes off as a measured, intelligent and thoughtful man armed with a very dry, but very sharp, wit and delivery. In his fiction, though, Mr Hendrixson writes fantastical (and fantastic) stories about sentient fruit and mafioso tomatoes who love Michael Jackson. In other words, just the kind of person we love here on the Drill.
The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers (give or take) from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.
Eric Hendrixson’s first book, Bucket of Face, was released by Eraserhead Press as part of the New Bizarro Author Series. It is our sincere opinion that not only is Bucket one of the best offerings from the NBAS so far, it’s one of the best Bizarro books out there. (Read this review…) Fruit come to life and blow each other away. A man makes love to a kiwi. A hit-tomato named Roma goes all Smooth-Criminal in a memorable scene that involves a large doughnut mixer, a severed nose, and a death-by-steaming. This is but a small taste of the goodness that comes in this Bucket. Here’s some more from the man himself…
2-MD: What is Roma’s favorite Michael Jackson song, and why?
EH: At the beginning of the book, it would have to be “Smooth Criminal,” but it is “You Are Not Alone” at the end. Roma models himself after the smooth criminal image, and it’s a great song to torture and murder to. He also has a soft spot for “Someone in the Dark,” just for its obscurity. “Someone in the Dark is the first MJ song I ever heard, on an ET audio book narrated by Michael Jackson.
2-MD: If fruits such as a kiwi are easily bruised and can’t heal, how does a man go about having intercourse with one? Do kiwi have vaginas? (And if yes, doesn’t that juice sting!?)
EH: Fruits use flowers to have sex. Human sex and fruit sex is different. It’s one of many obstacles in an inter-kingdom romance. However, a fruit is just one big uterus. Beyond that, I’m not comfortable describing Sarah’s privates. It seems rude.
2-MD: In Bucket, you have fruit eating other fruit, as long as it’s not one of their own. An orange would not eat an orange, for example. But what about types of fruit, like the citrus family. Would a grapefruit eat an orange? (Please include mathematics in part of your answer)
EH: Fruits eat other fruits the same way humans eat other mammals. However, some fruits are too similar to each other. A grapefruit could eat an orange the same way a human might eat a small ape, but most would not be comfortable with it. I think it’s a function of social taboos about not eating things that look too much like us. A citrus would not eat another citrus about 98 percent of the time, but many of these fruits had difficult childhoods, so you have to watch out for the 2 percent.
2-MD: The doughnut plays a fairly important role in connecting the characters and the plot together, yet it is not treated with the same respect for its existence as sentient fruit. If you were to come back to life as a doughnut, what kind of doughnut would you be, and what kind of doughnuts would you eat?
EH: If I were reincarnated as a doughnut, I’d be an éclair. First, I’ve always wanted to be tall. Second, following the principle above, I’d have fewer reservations against eating round doughnuts. The only doughnut I wouldn’t eat would be the Boston cream. The Boston cream is to the éclair as the Honda Civic is to the Accord.
2-MD: As a bearded man, you probably get this question often, and since it’s a tradition here on the Drill, please tell us: What does you beard smell like right now? (Include any food particles currently ensnared therein.)
EH: One of the great benefits of the beard is the saved morning prep time. Instead of washing your face and then your hair, you just wash your whole head in one step. In the morning, my beard smells like drugstore brand shampoo. After a few minutes, the smell goes away, since the mustache is so close to the nose. I can’t smell my beard right now, but if it were to smell like my last meal, it would smell like a Chap’s pit beef sandwich with onions and horseradish. However, I’m a pretty clean eater, so my beard probably just smells like the blood of my enemies, as usual.
2-MD: Super Dooper Awesome Bonus Question!!! – Which Michael Jackson album is spinning on your hi-fi at this very moment?