re: (spam: HIGH) Don’t Buy My Book!

– This event has passed. Thank you for participating. Sloth got all the way to below 10,000 sales rank, which is super-duper! My heart has the fondness for all of you. –

*This message has been flagged as SPAM.*

Hello,

stacheMy name is Steve and I have this thing for you that is great! Please continue to read down below, but first I will tell you some news that is true! In a short time to come will be releasing my new book of fun comedy named, YOU ARE SLOTH! from venerable purveyor of Bizarro fiction named Eraserhead Press!

That’s exciting!

It is my honor to request your compliance in making purchase of this publication with hard earned dollars unwound from your tight sweaty fists, BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE FOR YOUR INCENTIVE…

Don’t buy my book YET!!!1 First please read these things -

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To be clear, I will be thrilled if you buy it at all, but maybe just wait a little bit. I’m thinking of a particular day, where as many people as possible are make the book purchasing happen at once. Just like Jennifer Beals in the FLASHDANCERS, I’m a girl with a DREAM: I have the goal to make my latest book, YOU ARE SLOTH!, an Amazon bestseller, even if for a day, or just a few hours. OH, WHAT A FEELING! Unlike Jennifer Beals, my glorious breasts and sexy water splashing dance moves are not get me there with my own merit. I need YOUR help to make IT!

Please don’t rush right out and click BUY on the day SLOTH! is available – PLEASE to wait for July 18. That is the day to do this. I don’t know why I am picking July 18. It was the first day I see when I looked at the desktop blotter/calendar under my keyboard. So OK! let’s make it July 18.

JULY 18 is officially, “Stop Having the Lazy and Buy YOU ARE SLOTH! Day”

WHISPERHelp me sneak onto the bestsellers list! Read a goofy book about being a sloth. For an added incentive, if you make buy the YOU ARE SLOTH! and Tom Piccirilli’s new novel THE LAST WHISPER IN THE DARK at the same time, and emails me a copy of your Amazon confirmation showing both books, I will send you a free paperback copy of one of my previously published books. These include such titles as: MUSCLE MEMORY and KING OF THE PERVERTS and SAMURAI VS. ROBO-DICK. Email the confirmation to lowe435@gmail.com and tell me which book you want! Buy two, get a third for FREE.

CAN IT BE THAT EASY? Holy crap yes it can! WHO DOES THIS CRAZY THINGS? me

Did I tell you what is YOU ARE SLOTH! about? NO??? Then have some of these:

“Why you are sloth? Because fuck you is why! HAHAHAHAHA!!1!”

That’s the last response you got from The Spammer, who’s developed an insidious computer virus that transforms people into their power animals. You never should have opened that email from the Philippino Sherriff’s Attaché to East Berlin. So many missed warning signs there, but you were drunk last night. Things have been rough lately – you can’t pay your rent, your neighbors are annoying, you keep getting strange calls from horny guys with unique and unsettling fetishes, you’re way behind with work, and your computer is suddenly crapping out on you. And now you’re a goddamn sloth. Nice going, genius. But there’s more at play here than simple animal hijinks. You’ve been added to the Homeland Security Terror Watch List, and the cops want to question you about the mysterious disappearances of several gay men, who all seem to have called your phone just before they vanished. Not only has this Spammer fuck turned you into a sloth, he’s framed your slow ass, too! You’ve had enough of this shit. With the help of your neighbors, Cross the Asshole and Randy the Retard, you form the SLOTH SQUAD. It’s time to track that Spammer down and reap some three-toed vengeance on his ass.
 
You are Sloth!

WOW, doesn’t that sound CRAZY? Alright!

How about a blurb from a living bestseller type? I really like this one:

Patrick Wensinks

“If Steve Lowe offers to sell you a watch, run. Lowe is a literary conman of the highest regard. He reels you in with a dizzying shell game of hilarious jokes and bathroom humor. But before you know it, he’s fled with your heart thanks to the sharply drawn, lovable lunatics inhabiting his writing.” – Patrick Wensink, author of BROKEN PIANO FOR PRESIDENT

How can you NOT stand to buy this thing? I DON’T KNOW! But remember, WAIT for July 18 and take part in “Stop Having the Lazy and Buy YOU ARE SLOTH! Day” for maximal enjoyment of these exciting times we are having.

What a lot of FUN!

Book review: Thunderpussy by David W. Barbee

ThunderpussyThunderpussy by David W. Barbee

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

David Barbee showed us what he’s got with A TOWN CALLED SUCKHOLE, but his next book, THUNDERPUSSY, confirms it – Barbee is one of the best authors of weird fiction out there right now.

THUNDERPUSSY is a consistently funny, perfectly over-the-top Bizarro update of the super spy adventure. Declan Magpie Bruce, Agent 00X, is everything you’d want in a spy. He’s hypersexual, majestically mustachioed, and armed to the teeth with fun spy gear like a suitbot that transforms his clothing to whatever environment or situation he’s in. Ever wonder how James Bond always shows up in nice new threads all the time, despite never carting luggage around with him? Had to be a suitbot.

That’s one example of dozens of great, weird ideas that pepper the pages of THUNDERPUSSY. While James Bond continues to be re-imagined as Jason Bourne, Barbee goes the other direction and puts a shitload of fun back into the spy genre.

Get it on Amazon: click here

View all my reviews

Book Review: A Town Called Suckhole, by David W. Barbee

A Town Called SuckholeA Town Called Suckhole by David W. Barbee

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Love is a strong word. I’ve met David W. Barbee in real, non-Internet life. I’ve quaffed beers shoulder to shoulder with the man and his wonderful wife. I’ve marveled at the awesome vision of David reading from his masterpiece, A TOWN CALLED SUCKHOLE, and how people lined up afterwards to get their hands on this book.

I mention all this for transparency’s sake, but I also want you to know that I love David W. Barbee. I love him in the bromantic way that two men can love each other without the risk or promise of orificial penetration. And I love this book he has written.

Love it.

You’ve read a million times in reviews where an author has “rendered a rich world filled with depth and layers” and all that sort of jazz, right? Well, David Barbee’s world of SUCKHOLE is deep-fried in a batter of bizarro ingenuity and served up on a stick of post-apocalyptic Southern gothic weirdness that you won’t be able to resist sucking down. (I swear, I’m not gay for David Barbee.)

Barbee fully imagines SUCKHOLE, which makes it so easy to get lost in that world of nuclear fallout mutated rednecks and swamp monsters. But then he does what so many authors of the fantastic struggle to do, and he peoples SUCKHOLE with actual characters who have depth, emotion, dimension, and story arcs that we want to follow through to the end and screech out a rebel yee-haw for.

Did I mention I loved this book? Because I do. And I love David Barbee’s sweet, Southern, robot-bizarro-writin’ ass. Still no homo here, just some good ol fashion man love.

View all my reviews

Book for a Buck, and other newsy things

Some of this is very recent and some of it is old news, but rather than tossing out a bunch of separate posts, I decided to combine things.

Commence ADHD-style update of a blog post written as a handy numbered list … now:

1. Until further notice, Muscle Memory will be $0.99 on the Kindle. (CLICK HERE, YO) I think maybe I’ll keep it there until I publish my next book. What that book will be and when it will happen is still unknown at this time, but stay tuned…

2. The sequel to Muscle Memory, which is very aptly title “Muscle Memory 2: More Muscle More Memory” is abso-fucking-lutely free and can be downloaded RIGHT HERE ON SMASHWORDS in a number of ebook formats. I posted it online right here as well in four parts, but then I realized I never updated this site about where to get the whole story in one place. Duh.

This is neither Short Gary, nor a real cow.

3. Here’s some flash fiction for you, from me, courtesy of Bizarro Central: Short Gary Takes a Cow to California, along with another Gary-centric short story by Daniel Vlasaty.

I’m also very excited about two new anthologies that include my work: a humorous short story called “Praise the Lord and Pass the Parmesan” is in the Eraserhead Press anthology Amazing Stories of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which also includes pieces by John Skipp, Stephen Graham Jones, S.G. Browne, and a lot of other big names. I also sold a dark, extreme horror story called “Every Day a Holiday” which appears in the Pill Hill Press book “A Hacked Up Holiday Massacre“. That one boasts an amazing lineup that includes stuff from Jack Ketchum, Joe Lansdale, Bentley Little, Wrath James White, Lee Thomas, and a bunch more.

These books are both extremely cool and a lot of fun to read.

4. Some friends and acquaintances outside of the Bizarro world have seen new books come out recently and I wholeheartedly recommend them to you:

- AJ Brown’s Along the Splintered Path is a collection of three dark, short novellas, including the outstanding story “The Woodshed”.

- How about werewolves? You like werewolves? Dig you some Graeme Reynolds then: High Moor

- While we’re talking pulp, this is a must-read based on the dedication alone. Vernon D. Burns writes at the beginning of his pulp-tastic romp Gods of the Jungle Planet: For Diane - I hope his dick falls off, you cheating whore.

That’s fucking beautiful right there.

5. My most recent Amazon purchase, which takes full advantage of the 4-for-3 deal that’s still happening (is this newsworthy? Maybe it’s nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt at pointing out the 4-for-3 deal from Amazon once again, but this is seriously a cool thing and I got four books that aren’t available in my library for the price of three, which to me is quite newsworthy): A Town Called Suckhole by David W. Barbee; Gargoyle Girls of Spider Island by Cameron Pierce; A Hollow Cube is a Lonely Space, by S.D. Foster; and A Choir of Ill Children by Tom Piccirilli.

Now, to quit my job and just write and read books all day long.

What? Bad idea?

Book review: My Fake War, by Andersen Prunty

My Fake WarMy Fake War by Andersen Prunty

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

My Fake Review

I found this book in the bargain bin at a Yonder Readin’ House in Pensacola, Fla. It was written in 1937 by a gypsy woman named Andersen Prunty, which was the most common name in that time for vagabonds and gypsies, according to Wikipedia. Miss Prunty was a poor girl suffering under the yoke of Communist aggression, forced daily to author tomes of propagandist literature for meager scraps. Hers was a life of toil and inhuman hardship. My Fake War was one of her many works.

Andersen Prunty

It tells the story of a beautician and wolfhound breeder named Saul Dressing, who refuses to fight in Lenin’s ‘Great Salt War’ of 1899. Dressing is whipped daily and forced to spread himself across beds of lettuce and vegetables, which seed within the grooves of his marred flesh and grow, rendering him a grotesque plant man. Dressing’s only respite from his tortured existence is through song – Dressing is also a world renowned accordion player. But soon this no longer offers solace, as his leafy arms snap under the weight of his instrument.

Dressing finally decides he can take no more of this torture and launches a one-man war (a FAKE WAR, dare I mention?) against his Communist captors, but he is thoroughly crushed by Lenin’s army of fork-wielding troops. He is served prior to the platoon’s meal that evening with a light vinaigrette.

Miss Prunty’s book contains a very important message, which is this …

SPOILER ALERT!!! STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON”T WANT THE STORY RUINED FOR YOU!!!

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I have never been to Pensacola, Fla.

View all my reviews

Muscle Memory for the Kindle only $0.99

Everybody loves a sale, right? For a limited time, the Kindle version of Muscle Memory will be available for only $0.99. I’ve marked it down for the rest of May at least, to hopefully kick start sales so I can make a nice donation to the Kurt Vonnegut Memorial Library (click here for the details of this promotion).

But while we’re on the subject, this is actually a great time to try some new fiction without spending much money at all. There are a number of outstanding titles available for $0.99 on the Kindle. And remember, you don’t need an actual Kindle to be able to read Kindle titles – if you have an iPhone or Droid, there are Kindle apps available. I’ve read several of these books on my iPhone and it’s not nearly as cumbersome or tough to see as I thought it would be. If you haven’t tried it yet, I highly encourage you to do so. Several of these books below are short, only around 100-page or less novellas, so it’s not like you’re trying to slog through a huge novel on your screen. (And again, at only $0.99, it’s more than worth it to give it a try.)

Also available for $0.99 are the following (click the cover art to go to Amazon):

The Egg Said Nothing, by Caris O’Malley (Eraserhead Press)

read my review of this book here

The Brothers Crunk, by William Pauley III (Grindhouse Press)

read my review here

The Sorrow King, by Andersen Prunty (Grindhouse Press)

read my review here

Fuckness, also by Andersen Prunty

Mother Puncher, by Gina Rinalli (Eraserhead)

(Gina has a bunch of $0.99 titles, check them all out)

Nightjack, by Tom Piccirilli (Crossroad Press & Macabre Ink Digital)

Katja from the Punk Band, by Simon Logan (ChiZine)

An Occupation of Angels, by Lavie Tidhar (Apex)

A Russian Prostitute’s Guide to Pakistan and Other Tales of Grit and Valor, by S. Sommerville (House of Bizarro)

Vampires in Devil Town, by Wayne Hixon (Grindhouse)

Please note that this is, in no way, a complete list of all the great $0.99 Kindle books available. If you want to share more, leave a link in the comments.

Book review: Crab Town, by Carlton Mellick III

Some writers, you can just tell, are brimming with ideas and creativity. Prolific bizarro veteran Carlton Mellick III is one of those writers, and his long short story Crab Town is evidence of this. After writing a couple 300+ page novels (veritable epics in the bizarro genre), he put out this 85-page novella earlier this year. It’s a short, entertaining ride through the weird world of Freedom City, and its adjoining slum, known as Crab Town.

This is the story of a bank heist gone bad, in a world where two nuclear wars have left the city in shambles and the economy in a mess. In Freedom City, if you lose your job and can’t pay your bills, your only choice is to move to Crab Town. Once you’re in Crab Town, you’re stuck, because no one will hire you again, no landlord will rent to you again, and you’re essentially a social pariah. It reminds me in a lot of ways of our national welfare system, where once you’re in, it’s difficult to get back out. Some denizens of Crab Town form the House of Cards, a group dedicated to improving life in Crab Town and getting a fair shake from the folks in charge of Freedom City. They don’t want a handout, they simply want equal opportunity for jobs and such – a little life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. So, yeah, I like the message behind this story.

As Mellick writes in the book’s introduction, this story started with the cover image. Mellick liked it so much, he decided to write a story around the picture of the babe on the bomb, basically working backwards with the actual writing of the story being the last part of the process. In other words, he didn’t begin with a premise and a set of characters, he saw a picture, came up with a title and a cover blurb, then wrote the story from there. What results is almost too much for such a short story.

We’re introduced to no less than six different characters who all play a role in the heist. There are other peripheral characters as well, and over the course of the story, sandwiched between the events of one day, we learn a little bit about each character. We’re stilling learning about these main players in the heist, right up until and during the final act. This could have easily been filled out into another 300-page epic if he had the time and desire. So many ideas and so much creativity pack each page that there’s scarcely enough space to mention it all.

But such is the issue with the novella. Often times, they leave you wanting more, which I think is a good thing. And at $7.95, you get a good story with some very cool artwork. To be honest, I’ve been trying to decide for a long time which Mellick book I would read next, and the cover art from this one sold me from the beginning. Like Mellick, I was intrigued to learn about the babe on the bomb and what made her tick (yes, terrible pun, but I don’t care!). I came away wanting more of what was here, and not just a little bit jealous of how much creatvity this guy’s got bursting out of every story he writes.