Win a set of 2010 New Bizarro Author Series books

The authors of the New Bizarro Author Series have joined forces to bring you the best giveaway of the year – the entire set of NBAS books for 2010, signed by the authors. To be elligible for this drawing, you must ACT FAST! Before the month of May is over, buy a copy of either Felix and the Sacred Thor, Love in the Time of Dinosaurs, or How to Eat Fried Furries, and you’ll be entered to win one of two full sets of NBAS books. Buy one of those, and you have a chance to win the other six in this year’s NBAS release.

Just send your Amazon confirmation of purchase to Kirk Jones at retrobizarro00@gmail.com and we’ll draw for the winner at the end of the month. Two sets, signed by the authors (except for the one you purchase of course) will be available for giveaway. You can enter the drawing multiple times with multiple purchases of the books listed below, but you will only be elligible for one of the two sets we’re giving away.

This offer is available through the month of May, so you’ve got about a week left.

Buy one of these for a chance to win the whole set!

2-Minute Drill: Caris O’Malley

What would you do if, one morning, you awoke naked with an egg between your legs? Let me rephrase that… What would you do if that happened, again? (We hate it when it happens.) Caris O’Malley wondered just that, and then he did what thousands of others have only attempted to do. He spent the better part of a November writing a novel about it. And when professional editors with actual talent read this manuscript and honed it down to the lean piece of fiction it is today, a star was born.

That star was, of course, Kevin Donihe. But in an act of selflessness rarely witnessed in today’s entertainment world, Donihe took no credit for repairing that damaged mess of a story about a man and his egg. Instead, he allowed the name O’Malley to appear across the front cover. The rest, they say, is history. We don’t know why they continue to say that, but they do. We hate they for it. And as we’re wont to do here on the 2-Minute Drill, today we shall try to expose the true Caris O’Malley, in all his flaws and failings. Hopefully, the Internet doesn’t run out of room.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Click the Egg, buy the Egg.

The Drill returns with the third installment of our interviews with New Bizarro Author Series authors. Mr. O’Malley’s fantastic little book called The Egg Said Nothing (click here for our review of it) is the story of Manny, a shut-in who wakes up one morning to discover he has laid an egg. Then he falls in love, battles future versions of himself, and… well, we’ll leave the rest for you to discover when you read the book. For now, let’s just pester young Caris with our stupidity.

2-MD: Hypothetically speaking, if the Egg actually did say something (and I’m betting dollars to donuts it did), what would It say?

CO’M: When you’re the only egg in a roomful of assholes, the only thing you want to do is leave. I imagine the egg would scream and plead to be taken somewhere else. It’d be kind of like the dragon eggs in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, where it would just be annoying and hurt everyone’s ears. Kind of like you, Steve. (2-MD: Starting with a shot across the bow, eh? Looks like we’ll have to step it up a notch…)

2-MD: Hypodermically speaking, what are the best (worst?) fluids that have ever entered your body intravenously?

CO’M: Well, shit. I got bit by a ferret once. Does that count? Yes, I’d say ferret spit. It was much better than all of that dirty heroin I did as a youngster.

2-MD: Hypochondriacally speaking, have you always been such a germophobe, or was it just when you were around us? (We didn’t appreciate your request to “double-bag it” by the way.)

CO’M: In my home environment, I wallow in filth and share drinks with the homeless. But, for the first time in my life, the bizarro crowd made me start to think of the dangers inherent in such behavior. Y’all seem like the kind of folks a body could catch somethin’ from.

2-MD: Hypoallergenically speaking, if we actually laid an Egg from betwixt out loinses, what sorts of infections might we be infectioned with? And part deux of this query, would the Sacred Thor help cleanse us, or simply exacerbate our conundrum?

CO’M: I think sepsis could be a serious issue. Since gentlemen aren’t really built with the equipment to lay eggs, we’ve got to use what the Good Lord gave us- our assholes. It seems to me that expelling something as significant as an egg would come with a certain amount of tearing and would, by the fault of the Lord, expose us to a tremendous amount of bacteria. It would, I think, be virtually impossible to keep the area properly cleaned without round-the-clock care and, honestly, who has time for that? There is hope, though. I feel confident that the Thor, in its infinite wisdom, would help in two significant ways.

1) Stretching out the area in question for more comfortable egg laying.
2) Acting as a cork of sorts to keep harmful bacteria at bay until we’re ready to deal with it.

Not the Sacred Thor.

2-MD: Enough with this hypononsense! How about a real question: How many times did your main character, Manny, kill himself in “The Egg Said Nothing”?

CO’M: Six, I think. Of course, there’s that whole time loop to contend with, so he’s probably killing himself right now. On a related note, there is a point where, as a writer, you grow to hate your characters, their stupid motivations, and their whiny inner dialogues. The only solution I have found to deal with that is to kill the character, resurrect him, then kill him again. In my original draft, there was actually a chapter where I, Caris “The Shit” O’Malley, made a guest appearance and killed Manny no less than fifteen times. (2-MD: Author, slay thy self. No really, we’ve had several requests from loyal readers that you do this.)

2-MD: Congratulations, Caris “Is Shit” O’Malley, with that answer, you have unlocked the SUPER FANTASTIC EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION!!! Here it is: On a scale of Red to Purple, what was the name of the clown that scarred you in this terrible way so, so long ago. (Please show your work, or you’ll only get half credit.)

CO’M: Like everyone else on the planet, it was Pennywise from Stephen King’s It. That clown scared the shit out of me when I was a child. Just the idea of losing my paper boat AND getting killed to death in the depths of a sewer was just too much for me. While writing Clownhunter, I had a picture of that bastard on my computer desktop to remind me of what I was dealing with.

So that’s magenta, I think. (2-MD: Wrong! The answer we were looking for was 19. They must not teach librarians how to divide.)

2-Minute Drill: James Steele

There has to be a first time for everything, right? Think about the first time you learned about sex, or told a dirty joke, or maybe the first time you fell in love. (Maybe, that all happened at once, like it did for us.) Or the first time you heard of horse dildos. Oh, you haven’t heard of those before? Don’t worry, because now you have. And you have James Steele to thank for that, courtesy of the 2-Minute Drill.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.

Right, so horse dildos. They are apparently just what they sound like. But they can be so much more. Like a magical weapon that will save mankind. This you will learn when you read James Steele’s book FELIX AND THE SACRED THOR. And who is James Steele? Let’s try to find out right now.

Man with a toaster head - NOT a horse dildo

2-MD: This interview simply can’t go forward until you answer this question first – horse dildo? We didn’t even know these things existed until we learned about your book. How did you come to the point where you thought, ‘A horse dildo will be a perfect centerpiece for my next story!’?

JS: What?? You didn’t know they existed until I came along?? And I thought I’d been living under a rock my whole life… Well, ok, there was a time when I was ignorant, too, but then I found out through various web links that these things exist. I think they’re funny. Among people who know of them, the Thor is the butt of a dozen jokes. It’s a byword for “ridiculously large” (even though there are way bigger ones out there). Then I actually met a guy who owns one. He said it’s not a very good toy, so that got me thinking if it’s unusable for sex, it must have some other use. I figured the only logical reason to own a piece of gel that big would be to use it as a weapon! (2-MD: Try as we might, we can’t really argue with that logic.)

2-MD: We had the pleasure of meeting you at BizarroCon in Portland this year. While everyone else arrived with luggage and bags and such, you strolled off the plane with a small, square shoulder bag that could not have held much at all (especially not a horse dildo). So since you’re clearly a superhero who rips away his clothing to reveal his superhero costume underneath, how do you feel about the disappearance of phone booths due to the rise of celluar telephone technology? And are you comfortable now with disrobing in front of people, or do you slink off to a public restroom somewhere?

James Steele - also NOT a horse dildo.

JS: I was raised as an Army brat, so I learned to pack light. Everything I needed for the trip was in that bag, and I even had room left over for a bunch of books to take home! I don’t keep my sacred weapon in my bag; I always keep that on my person in case I need to whip it out in an emergency. I miss phone booths. It’s such an inconvenience to carry a bulky cell phone everywhere I go. I hope someone wises up and realizes people don’t want to be burdened with these hefty devices, bugged by ringing and texting day and night. We were much better off as a society when we *couldn’t* be reached 24/7. But I ain’t modest anymore; I’ll disrobe anywhere I please.

2-MD: Good God, that was a long-winded question. Let’s make this one quick: Paper or plastic? (be sure to explain your answer or you will lose points)

JS: Neither! Disposable shopping bags are wasteful, so i’ve been using the same two reusable canvas bags for three years. I have to. Captain Planet will kick my ass if I don’t.

2-MD: What’s your favorite horse? And do you ride? (how’s that for a loaded question??)

JS: I don’t have a favorite, but I like animals of all kinds. I can’t ride a horse, but it’s on my to-do list. Right up there with swimming, piano and interdimensional travel.

2-MD: What are the top three equine sexual encounters in history? (please note that all Internet links provided will NOT be clicked on…)

JS: Am I really allowed to answer that? I mean, I’m trying to establish myself as an intelligent, professional writer and I can’t go around answering questions about illegal encounters with– Ok, the cops stopped listening. For numbers three and two, all you gotta do is type “Mister Hands” into any search engine. The internet is full of life-changing information, isn’t it? The number one encounter occurs in my book! Everyone else’s sexual encounter has the same, predictable, happy ending. Mine results in the retrieval of a sacred weapon! Didn’t see that comin’ did ya? (2-MD: We’re seriously considering calling you ‘Mister Hands’ from now on…)

2-MD: James ‘Mister Hands’ Steele, you are a hard man to crack. (Get it? Hard? Steele? Oh, man… we should be getting paid for this stuff) Thank you for enduring the firey forge of the Drill. If you have any last words, please use them in a way that disparagaes the rest of the New Bizarro Author Series.

JS: I’m trying to build a reputation as professional author. I want people to take me seriously. It’s really hard to do that with a book like this! I mean, why couldn’t one of my fantasy books have been my first published?? Why not one of my serious stories that has something profound to say about life, the universe and everything?!
But the more I think about it, this fits in with my goal in life. I want to be the Mike Oldfield of authors: not known for just one kind of story, but known for having done everything. (2-MD: Well, he’s got “write a story about a magical horse dildo” crossed off the done-everything list already…) That appeals to me most. So fine, I’ll start off with a wacko novel. It’s all in good fun!