What do “Encino Man”, the Georgia Satellites and Dollywood have in common? Absolutely nothing, unless you’re having a conversation with a bizarro author. Especially one who writes westerns about feet and has a fixation on squids. This is what happens when the Drill wanders into bizarro land and can’t find the exit.
The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know. And if not, we’ll just make them up.
Smallest Headshot Ever
Ladies and freaking gentlemen, we give you Jordan Krall. A bizarro author with a worrisome fetish for feet and squid, Jordan’s titles include Squid Pulp Blues, the weirdo western Fistful of Feet, and more like oddities. We also learn that Pauly Shore makes him combative and that he refuses to celebrate our birthday. Despite these things, we very much like Jordan, and we predict you will too…
2-MD: As an author with several books out now, will you know you have “made it” when some anonymous reviewer/wannabe critic/15-year old toolbox named ‘OG-BizarroGuy89’ claims your recent work sucks and that he prefers your early stuff better?
Jordan Krall's Talking Toolbox! (only available in pink)
JK: I’m totally waiting for the day someone talks about my “early work”… even if it’s some 15-year old toolbox. I’d also quickly befriend the toolbox because toolboxes generally don’t talk and I can probably make millions off him.
2-MD: The Drill is celebrating a birthday soon, and though you’ve never met us, would you take us here to celebrate? – “The Holy Land”
JK: Sorry but celebrating birthdays is like being nice to goth kids. It’s pointless so I just never do it.
2-MD: Every time we read your last name (KRALL) we can’t help but think of one of the great films of the 1990s – Son In Law. Did your parents surname you after Pauly Shore’s career-defining role?
JK: First, his career defining moment was Encino Man. Second, “Crawl” and “Krall” are two different things, you squid-sucking son of a bitch. (2-MD: Ooo, testy… must have touched a nerve there. Note to selves: NEVER bring up JURY DUTY in Jordan’s presence.)
2-MD: Hypothetical question for you: If we have a little change in our pocket goin’ janga-langa-lang, what should we do with it? And as a follow up, give us your thought on free milk and the cow.
JK: That’s two questions disguised as one. First: if you have spare change, save up and buy one or more of my books. Help me pay my bills. And concerning free milk and the cow…. where I come from, cows don’t have udders, they have tentacles. So the milk isn’t free. At all. (2-MD: This is a great answer, and ‘Piecemeal June’ is on it’s way to us as we speak… but technically, you’re wrong. We were shooting for this:
2-MD: Seriously dude, what’s the deal with all the feet? And the squids? You’re freakin’ us out a little here. We can actually just ignore the squid for now (we do love us some calamari), but the feet thing’s giving us the willies.
JK: People always ask about the feet thing but I have no idea what they’re talking about. As a sidenote, I must add that there have been studies that have shown that people who have an aversion to feet are more prone to illness, more likely to hurt small animals, and less likely to get their pilot’s license. You don’t have a pilot’s license, do you? And you should reaally see a doctor about that itch. And Steve, please…let go of that racoon. (2-MD: … No … he’s my… my friend…)
Jordan Crawl, you have endured our sophomoric nonsense long enough and we now release back to the wild. We will, however, require you to wear this GPS locater tag on your ear like the rest of the bizarros we’ve captured. It’s an important study we’re conducting for “da gubbmint”, very hush-hush, though, so keep it on the down low. (Or is it low down? We think one of those terms stands for gay sex, but we were going for the other meaning… seriously.)