The 2-Minute Drill is about information and truth, and today, we reveal the truth about one Kaolin Imago Fire, the man behind GUD Magazine. We know, totally made up name, but you don’t know the half of it. We are proud to present a 2-MD exclusive that will set the Internet afire with controversy.
The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know.
Meet Kaolin Fire. We searched and searched for the most embarassing picture we could find of him. We’re pretty happy with the results.
Besides his editorial position with GUD, “Kaolin” does some sort of web design, or image creation, or something. It’s cool, whatever it is, but we’re really not up on the technical mumbo, just go look at his website. Let’s just say, he’s all arty and stuff. Poerty, short stories, his own magazine – you get the picture. Let’s see how he holds up under the intense spotlight that is The Drill:
2-MD: Alright, enough with this charade. We are on to you Mr. “Kaolin Imago Fire”, or should we call you by your real name – Cleveland Gary Messerschmitt!?!?!?!?
KF (aka CGM): I’ve never really been good with charades anyway. I’m better with plain word games, or, well, cryptanalysis. I’m afraid you’ll have to dig several levels deeper than my Cleveland persona. Once you find Samantha, you might be on to something. She wasn’t a blood doll, but–no, now I’m giving away too many hints.
2-MD: Evading the question, eh? Perhaps we’ve been too standoffish to start, let’s clean the palate here. How about a softball: Unicorns or yard gnomes, which is more precious?
KF: Have you seen my yard gnomes? Seriously? They’re down the right side of Jeremy Shipp’s site. The last unicorn I met outside of a book (and that was a sad book, wasn’t it?) was in Texas Would you believe there’s photo evidence? And not elephants-swimming-in-the-lake or toy-submarine sort of evidence! Softball, on the other hand–that’s precious. Twee, even. Don’t give me none of that! (2-MD: Did he just call us twee? Man, if he did, this is so gonna end in a slap fight.)
No, I’ve got to let my twee side show and go with Unicorns. Yard gnomes rock and all, but Unicorns know how to roll. (2-MD: So true. That horn of theirs was like a big middle finger to Noah. “F-you, Popeye the Sailor Man! We ain’t gettin’ on no boat with them lions and such!”)
2-MD: Your Pay what you want scheme for GUD is, um, interesting, though some might call it the desparate flailings of a foundering ship in a churning literary sea. We personally propose beating people who said that last part into a messy pulp, but we’d like to get your opinion on the matter.
KF: I’m not adverse to messy pulp–we like to use “natural” paper for printing. It’s easier on the eyes than that sterilized, glossy-bleached stuff.
But is it right to call movements of the many-tentacled chthonic marketing beast GUD employs… flailing? Would you say that to its beak? I, for one, would not. They might end up a messy pulp through none of my doing; and coming out the other end of that beast isn’t fit for print. (2-MD: Heh, poop joke. Awesome.)
Those “some” that might call it desparate really ought to learn how to spell before flinging stones about. Spells can be right powerful if done right…and perhaps, just perhaps, they might then be able to defend themselves. (2-MD: Our editorial staff has assured us that this post is free of spelling errors [now... after the fourth damn time through it!], so blaaaaa.)
On a somewhat more serious note, I was supposed to take that sale down after a week, but things got a little away from me; and now I’m waiting for an ad for it to go out still this month, and have to leave it up just a little longer. But it really is a limited time offer, so GET IT NOW.
2-MD: We lie. A lot. I mean a really, really lot. Are we going to hell for it, and if so, can you recommend a good hand basket?
KF: I’m afraid you are destined for Los Angeles–but then, Los Angeles deserves whatever it gets. But hand baskets are so…puritan. If you want to enter in style, pick up a good book or two. Or, yanno, a magazine. No surer way to the big city than that. There’s actually an interesting non-fic piece F&SF published a few years ago about paving one of LA’s roads. Someone with a touch fewer projects than me should go look that up. A quick search just finds me talking about it at SFReader.
2-MD: In two words or less, tell us about your greatest achievement in life.
KF: Poem Ranker
Ooo, sorry. We’re out of time. And to be honest, we really weren’t all that interested in your greatest achievement anyway. But you have been a cunning and formidable adversary and we begrudgingly rule this a stalemate. Everyone, show Mr. Messerschmitt, er, Mr. Fire how appreciative we are for running the Drill with us. Read this story and then go support Haiti relief efforts!
(2-MD: Hey! Who snuck those goddamn emoticons in there? Curse you, Fire! Curse you!)