Today’s unwitting subject for public scrutiny is a man known as much for his prodigious manhood as he is for his prodigious collection of published work. He is an author, the fiction editor for Liquid Imagination, and somewhat of a legend. Today, we dispel all the rumors and get to the man behind the balls.
The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know.
Ladies and gentlemen, primates and inmates, and men without pubic hair, we give you Kevin Wallis, a man whose balls are rumored to be rather large. As online rumors tend to go, some of the things said and written about Kevin’s testiculars has been rather outlandish. In the interest of informing the general public of knowledge that has heretofore only been disseminated in a few private circles of the Internet, here are a few confirmed facts about Kevin Wallis’s massive balls:
– They were required by the city of Houston and the state of Texas to be registered as concealed (and obviously loaded) weapons.
– They qualify as a 503c charitable organization and are eligible for federal grant money.
Chicago's tribute to Kevin's balls
– The left ball served as a model for Chicago’s famous reflective bean, which many thousands of people stare longingly at and takes pictures of every year.
– When not encased in special lead-lined underwear, they have their own scientifically-measured gravitational pull and small particles have been known to orbit them.
– They were the obvious inspiration for this song.
– They emit a natural scent of honey and roasted nuts (naturally).
* Note to the readers: Please abstain from inquiring how the above information was gathered and confirmed. We are more than a little ashamed of the process and also genuinely frightened by the emotions it has stirred within the well of our soul. Thank you.
Now, on with the Drill…
2-MD: Is there ever a conversation where your balls DON’T come up?
KW: Rarely, but it’s a curse my family has grown used to over the centuries, from Chief Hung Like Moose, Tony “Thunder Groin” Wallis of Irish Mafia fame, the 1956 light featherweight champion Bobby “Jumbo Scrote” Wallis, the recently paroled Reverend Lester “Boulder Sack” Wallis, and the infamous and unfortunate Edith “Those Aren’t Tumors” Wallis.
2-MD: Seriously though, besides your prodigious testicular proclivities, you’re also the fiction editor for Liquid Imagination and a published writer with your own short story collection in the works. With all that you’re trying to accomplish, do you find it difficult to type with your balls in the way, or do they actually do the work for you?
KW: I recently had NASA design a custom-made computer desk, chair, and arm extensions so I can reach the keyboard better. And the divot between my two bad boys makes an ideal spot to place a beer, a small dog, or perhaps a picture of Bogey while I write.
2-MD: OK, OK, enough about the balls. Sorry. How about a serious question: Is it true that there ain’t no party like a west coast party because a west coast party don’t stop? If yes, why?
KW: It all depends. If you throw your hands in the air, and wave ’em like you just don’t care, keep on rockin’ to the beat and shake your derriere, then it’s true. Square-dancing helps too.
2-MD: Who would win this three-legged race – Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen vs. John Holmes?
KW: It’d be a tie, because if I know John Holmes, and I think I do, they would all cross the finish line stuck together as a single moaning and groaning entity.
2-MD: You’ve often said that Steve Lowe is your greatest inspiration and the very reason you took up writing in the first place. Is that true, and just what kind of influence has he had on you, both professionally and spiritually?
KW: Due to the fact that I’m at work, and I don’t want to cry in front of my patients, I will let the immortal Peter Cetera answer this one for me.
Oh God, let it end. We may never be the same after that experience, and we’ll likely be suing Kevin Wallis for it. But until we contact our lawyers on that matter, let’s thank Kevin for sharing his enormous wealth of knowledge with us. We would link to something of his for you to read, but in his grand haughtiness, his work is only available in print, so you’ll have to go buy Abaculus III from Leucrota Press.
Kevin's balls completed the New York Marathon in just over 4 hours.