2-Minute Drill: Sue Babcock

Today, we complete the Liquid Imagination triumvirate by locking horns with the one they call Eagle Eye. She’s a tough nut and she nearly breaks us.
 
The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know.
 
Welcome Sue Babcock, editor extraordinaire and one of the creative minds behind the aforementioned LI. She’s also a writer, and apparently, a husband-murdering loon. We expect nothing less from a guest on the Drill.
 
2-MD: After working so long with John Miller and Kevin Wallis on Liquid Imagination, how do you maintain your sanity, or are you actually currently stuck in some level of batshit crazy?

SB: Hahahahaha. You’re kidding, aren’t you? What ever made you think I was sane? Is that one of those cheap interviewer tricks?

Oh, wait. You’re serious. That’s one of the real questions (not like the “Are you ready?” throw-away you wouldn’t let me answer). Okay, I’ll reveal the real truth about Mr. John “JAM” Arthur Miller and Mr. Kevin Balls Wallis.

Just not today.

2-MD: New breakfast cereal idea: collect the tissue that is removed from the roofs of peoples’ mouths when eating Cap’n Crunch and sell it as “Cap’n’s Scrapins” Are you on board? Any marketing stategeries?

SB: Well, if you deep fry it, you could call it “Cap’n’s Cracklin’” 

2-MD: We have certain information about you, Ms. Babcock, obtained somewhat unscrupulously but information nonetheless, that the novel and film “The Black Widow” was based on your life. What do you say to these charges?

SB: Another cheap interviewer trick. You’ve been peeking. But I found your little camera bug thing.

Just you wait, Mr. Lowe. Through advanced technology known only to the insane, and only to the insane who work with JAM and Ballis, I was able to reverse the nuerofibers in the bug and can now watch YOU. Mwahahahahah. (2-MD: Ya know, we were just thinking that it always feels like somebody’s watching us.)

2-MD: Fred or Barney?

SB: Dragons taste a lot better than cavemen. So Barney. Definitely. 

2-MD: What is your biggest regret? (No, you can’t say ‘Having children.’ That’s too easy.)

SB: That my name isn’t Steve Lowe. Then I could write strange interviews, too, and GET AWAY WITH IT.  (2-MD: What a suck-up. That’s OK, though, we like suck-ups here.)

Congratulations, Sue! You made it through the entire interview without us once making a lewd reference to your last name!  (oops… nevermind) (SB: HEY! What’s wrong with my last name? Well, actually, it’s not MY name. Not even my hubby’s. Just a random name picked out of … never mind) Sue’s hard work has been borne out across the Internets in places like Silver Blade and Liquid Imagination Issue 5. We suggest you go there lest you incur the wrath of the Black Widow.

Don't fuck with the Babcock

It’s a Free Fiction Monday

Issue 5 of Liquid Imagination is up live. Go check out my story Inconvenienced By Truth. The artwork was done by Jack S. Rogers and the mellow tones on the audio (click the green play button at the top) are courtesy of Bob Eccles. Check the other stories linked at the top as well. Plenty there to entertain you on this Monday morning.

2-Minute Drill: Kevin Wallis

Today’s unwitting subject for public scrutiny is a man known as much for his prodigious manhood as he is for his prodigious collection of published work. He is an author, the fiction editor for Liquid Imagination, and somewhat of a legend. Today, we dispel all the rumors and get to the man behind the balls.

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know.

Wallis

Ladies and gentlemen, primates and inmates, and men without pubic hair, we give you Kevin Wallis, a man whose balls are rumored to be rather large. As online rumors tend to go, some of the things said and written about Kevin’s testiculars has been rather outlandish. In the interest of informing the general public of knowledge that has heretofore only been disseminated in a few private circles of the Internet, here are a few confirmed facts about Kevin Wallis’s massive balls:

- They were required by the city of Houston and the state of Texas to be registered as concealed (and obviously loaded) weapons.

- They qualify as a 503c charitable organization and are eligible for federal grant money.

Chicago's tribute to Kevin's balls

- The left ball served as a model for Chicago’s famous reflective bean, which many thousands of people stare longingly at and takes pictures of every year.

- When not encased in special lead-lined underwear, they have their own scientifically-measured gravitational pull and small particles have been known to orbit them.

- They were the obvious inspiration for this song.

- They emit a natural scent of honey and roasted nuts (naturally).

* Note to the readers: Please abstain from inquiring how the above information was gathered and confirmed. We are more than a little ashamed of the process and also genuinely frightened by the emotions it has stirred within the well of our soul. Thank you.

Now, on with the Drill…

2-MD: Is there ever a conversation where your balls DON’T come up?

KW: Rarely, but it’s a curse my family has grown used to over the centuries, from Chief Hung Like Moose, Tony “Thunder Groin” Wallis of Irish Mafia fame, the 1956 light featherweight champion Bobby “Jumbo Scrote” Wallis, the recently paroled Reverend Lester “Boulder Sack” Wallis, and the infamous and unfortunate Edith “Those Aren’t Tumors” Wallis.

2-MD: Seriously though, besides your prodigious testicular proclivities, you’re also the fiction editor for Liquid Imagination and a published writer with your own short story collection in the works. With all that you’re trying to accomplish, do you find it difficult to type with your balls in the way, or do they actually do the work for you?

KW: I recently had NASA design a custom-made computer desk, chair, and arm extensions so I can reach the keyboard better. And the divot between my two bad boys makes an ideal spot to place a beer, a small dog, or perhaps a picture of Bogey while I write.

2-MD: OK, OK, enough about the balls. Sorry. How about a serious question: Is it true that there ain’t no party like a west coast party because a west coast party don’t stop? If yes, why?

KW: It all depends. If you throw your hands in the air, and wave ‘em like you just don’t care, keep on rockin’ to the beat and shake your derriere, then it’s true. Square-dancing helps too.

2-MD: Who would win this three-legged race – Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen vs. John Holmes?

KW: It’d be a tie, because if I know John Holmes, and I think I do, they would all cross the finish line stuck together as a single moaning and groaning entity.

2-MD: You’ve often said that Steve Lowe is your greatest inspiration and the very reason you took up writing in the first place. Is that true, and just what kind of influence has he had on you, both professionally and spiritually?

KW: Due to the fact that I’m at work, and I don’t want to cry in front of my patients, I will let the immortal Peter Cetera answer this one for me.

Oh God, let it end. We may never be the same after that experience, and we’ll likely be suing Kevin Wallis for it. But until we contact our lawyers on that matter, let’s thank Kevin for sharing his enormous wealth of knowledge with us. We would link to something of his for you to read, but in his grand haughtiness, his work is only available in print, so you’ll have to go buy Abaculus III from Leucrota Press.

Kevin's balls completed the New York Marathon in just over 4 hours.

2-Minute Drill: John (JAM) Miller

We’re back after a refreshing few days off and ready to humiliate someone new. Today’s victim is the ringleader of a derelict group of humans at Liquid Imagination. He is well known to many who will read this post, so introductions are hardly in order. But we’ll do it anyway, because this is our damn website and you’re not the boss of us!

The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know.

Incredibly tiny obligatory headshot

John Arthur Miller is known to most as simply, JAM. Some says it’s because he rocks, but don’t believe the hype. This is a calm, calculated man with intentions of taking over the world. He has said so many times in public, and he lets slip just one of his diabolical plans below…

2-MD: Your book “2012: Kin Bin Tin Nah” is not actually about the Mayan thing, is it? Tell the truth, it’s really just the verbatim recounting of a dream you had after you accidentally ingested your dog’s canine pain killers. Isn’t it?

JAM: Actually, it was a dream that came to me after digesting YOUR dog. BURP! Pardon me.

2-MD: Winter Olympics are coming up soon – who’s your favorite to win the ice dancing gold?

JAM: The most skilled skater, meaning, the one in the short dress. Er… just to be clear, she should be a lady.

2-MD: In a near-future world where the exclamation “Yippee!” has been outlawed because its utterance kills kittens and causes cervical cancer, what new word will you use to show your happiness, both genuine and forced?

JAM: I refuse to use the word ‘YIPPEE’ because it ends in ‘pee.’ I use ‘YIPPIE’ because it ends in ‘pie.’ Which would you rather have in YOUR mouth while saying it?

To answer the question: YOWSAS! (thank you Brandon Rucker and John C. Mannone) 

2-MD: If there was a party over here and a party over there, and you decided to wave your hands in the air and shake your derriere, what three words should be articulated when you’re gettin’ busy?

JAM: No 3 words. Instead, 3 sentences: 1) Help me I’ve fallen and can’t get up; 2) you can’t touch this; 3) Da’ party’s over here, da’ party’s over here!  (2-MD: Oh, sorry. The correct answer is, of course, Whoomp! There it is. Kind of a trick questions since it’s actually four words, but you can hash that out with the fellas from Tag Team. If they’re not too busy in the recording studio, that is. We’re guessing they’re not.)

2-MD: Let’s play Sophie’s Choice: a 3-book deal from Simon & Schuster, or the life of one A.J. Brown. You don’t get both. One will be shredded into to tiny, pulpy bits. Choose…

JAM: I would choose AJ Brown, simply because I will not relinquish my right to chop him up into tiny bits and feed him into the Chicago water supply, thus replicating his genius. His evil will infect millions–a million AJ Brown’s eating inside the brains of Chicagoans, possessing them utterly. Next, with an army of Underwriters (AJ’s nickname), we march on New York City! YEE-HAW!! (I meant YOWSAS!)

We had a feeling he’d pick that one. John Miller has answered these questions in a timely and ridiculous fashion, which is all we ask for here on the Drill. Tradtion (JAM: TYPO! I thought you were a journalist! Now YOU’RE going into the Chicago water supply along with AJ!) holds that we now link to something of John’s for you to buy, for which he will likely receive mere pennies in compensation.

In the queue

Upcoming for 2010, ‘Varmits!’ will appear on Drabblecast as a narrated podcast. I expect it to be awesome.

Also, ‘Inconvenienced by Truth’ will be on Liquid Imagination, scheduled for the first week of Feb. And some time in the Spring, ‘Jumpers’ will be on Three Crow Press. Links will be made available to all at the appropriate times.

OK, enough whoring myself for now. I’ll try to post something of actual interest to people not named Steve Lowe soon.