Today’s Drill breaks up the sausage party around here. We have convinced a woman, a real live woman, to play our little game. The 2-MD legal staff wanted a copy of these questions first, but we say to hell with those damn lawyers!
The 2-Minute Drill is 5 quick questions and 5 quick answers from someone you probably haven’t heard of, but should hear from. This isn’t some rambling, long-winded author interview here. We dispense with the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks. We ask the tough questions and get the tough answers that you need to know.
Today’s victim is Chris Bartholomew. Don’t let the name fool you, Chris is a chick, and a busy chick at that. She has a metric ton of writing credits to her name, she reads slush for some awesome publications, and she runs her own ezine, Static Movement, which just released its second print issue. Go here and buy it so as not to incur her wrath. Lets get drillin’:
2-MD: Hypothetical: You’re to be locked away in a padded room for the rest of your life and can have a truckload of the following dumped into the room with you. Do you choose a truckload of Cadbury Creme Eggs or a truckload of large print Readers Digests? Why?
CB: Cadbury Creme Eggs – do you really have to ask?
2-MD: You are a woman named Chris. How many times per day do you have the desire to beat to a quivering, gory mass the people who call you ‘he’, ‘him’, or ‘Mr. Bartholomew’?
CB: Can’t even count ‘em. Once I – well, I better not say here as the jury is still out on one of them.
2-MD: Do you have change for a $100 bill? This fuckin’ vending machine won’t take anything bigger than a $1.
CB: Change for a what? 100 and 1 bills are the same size, didn’t you know that?– geez.
2-MD: This is almost a serious question: share with the class how many fiction publications you have. Then share with us how many of those are sea monkey erotica stories. (If the answer to part 2 of this question is more than one, we’ll cream ourselves and commence stalking you.)
CB: 239 – and they ALL involve sea monkey erotica if you read between the lines! (2-MD: Holy shit on both counts… commencing Internet stalking mode.)
2-MD: Agree or disagree, and tell us why – Kathleen Turner circa ‘Romancing the Stone’ was kinda hot, before she went and turned into an old man.
CB: Kathleen Turner was always a mean old man, make up, make up!
OK, that’s was relatively painless. We would ask Ms. Bartholomew if that was as good for her as it was for us, but our wife would smack us. And now the grammar Nazis are going to come for us because of that egregious misuse of the English language. You know what, never you mind us, just go check out Chris Bartholomew’s blog.